I would say I’m a pretty goal-oriented person. I am a dreamer at first, but once I see what I want, I chase it. If I want something badly, I focus on it pretty hard. However, I recently discovered that most of the things that I chase the hardest, and wish for the greatest, turn out to be the things I do not want at all. In fact, they are usually the things that crumble the hardest around me or bring me the greatest anguish. Nonetheless, I am thankful, because these crumbling moments always seem to be the pivot point to bigger and better things.
This hasn’t just been in one aspect of my life either. It has been with people (relationships) and my professional life. Once my mind is set on something, it is extremely hard for me to think of any other possibility. I have been told that I struggle to “go with the flow” of life and that couldn’t be more true. While I am great on the daily “go with the flow,” I want to know what is next for me – I want to see years down the road and go, “Okay! That makes sense that I should take this path or that path.” But the reality is there is no clear fortune telling. There is no certainty – uncertainty is a fact of life.
Fighting the flow
Do you see the signs? Would you say your intuition is strong? Personally, I consider my intuition pretty strong, and the signs are usually plastered all over in front of me, but on I trudge. All my focus on one goal in front of me. The job. The man. Stability. The next five years. Whatever it might be at the time. I ignore my gut and trudge one foot in front of the other – ignoring the bigger and better things – and fight the flow. And where does it usually get me? Not very far.
I find myself sitting here thinking, “But this was all I wanted… wasn’t it?” I don’t think it’s a matter of expectations not being met, but it’s a matter of trying to force a life that wasn’t for me. The good stuff (and I mean the really good stuff) in my life was never a fight at all. It was organic. Those moments were pure and natural. They didn’t hurt me. They didn’t confuse me. My gut was all in. No one was calling me names or knocking me down to feel better about themselves. There weren’t complications or anything to prove. The moments that were meant to be were the easiest, purest moments of all.
Listening to your gut
There’s a lot of debate between mind and gut, intuition and fact. Nonetheless, I will always say that Olivia Pope remains one of my favourite quotes of all time, “My gut tells me everything I need to know.” Even she (although fictional, I realize) is blinded by things such as love. We want to believe the best in those we love, jobs we love, etc. But ask yourself, is this organic? Am I having to fight for it? Is it hurting me? Reassess. Your gut will actually tell you everything you need to know.
Onto bigger and better things
Over the years I have spent much of my time trying to understand a particular situation. Many other people have also invested much of their time analyzing it with me and playing the “what if” game. However, my gut kept telling me that there was a piece of the puzzle missing. A part of me needed to figure out that piece of the puzzle because something didn’t line up. The person would never give me that last piece because they expressed fear that I was going to “make a decision” based on what they said… and they were right.
Today, I got the last piece of the puzzle (which so often we are not blessed with). A friend shared the lie that had been holding the whole scenario together for many years. This last piece of the puzzle fit perfectly, answered so many questions, and led to this blog post. I took a moment, mentally placed the piece into the puzzle, and smiled at the conclusion with a touch of hurt, but a lot of relief. This was something that I have longed so badly for and have placed so much time and effort in, and it has crumbled. And yet I feel relief. I feel like I can finally move on to bigger and better things.
So while words hurt or the situation hurts, remember that it is a learning moment. It takes great strength to live and learn. We can pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off, because in the end if you’re not failing, you’re not living. Cheers to the next chapter and may it be a good one for all of us. <3